Lately, I have received quite a few messages and comments about my FB posts that consists of telling women to not date a broke man. Now, initially, I was just posting my thoughts and not thinking that what I was saying would be considered as wrong but apparently wanting a financially stable mate is a problem.
Men tell us they don’t like fat women, flat booty women, dark skinned women, or women who wear their natural hair. But, as soon as a woman mentions a man must be self-sufficient, there’s a problem.
Since the beginning of time, Blacks have always been in some type of struggle-slavery, Jim Crow, systemic oppression, and a host of other social struggles. Consequently, this ‘survival’ to live has been adopted, when it comes to relationships. I’m not sure about wypiopo, but I do know that we measure our love and success by how much we can struggle or overcome, which is emotional and mental abuse.
This translates to young girls being groomed to become wives and ‘understand’ that we should stand by our man, no matter what. As long as he tells us he loves us and has potential, that should be good enough. Even if it means we break our backs as wives, mothers, and bread winners, we are to still stay with him and be happy because we have a man at home.
So, with this teaching, many women in our 30’s have tried to raise a man into loving us the way we need to be loved. But, it ain’t worked. Instead we overdraft our accounts, work extra hours, dim our light, minimize our accomplishments, give our last to prove why we’re worthy of becoming a wife, accept abuse and emotional deficiency, become accustomed to gaslighting and narcissistic behavior all because of ‘potential.’
Mr. Potential actually has the ability to be someone great in life. The man has the most amazing plans and ideas but fails to execute. I mean, he doesn’t even attempt to follow through and if he does, he stops at the first sign of defeat. This type of may also comes with entitlement, as if everything you do has to benefit him and if it doesn’t, he’ll guilt trip you. Before you know it, you will feel pressured to give him whatever he wants at the expense of your well-being.
Statistically men make more money than women. But, Black women are still the breadwinners in most relationships.
More than four in five Black mothers (81.1 percent) are breadwinners, with a majority of Black mothers (60.9 percent) raising families on their own.Institute for Policy Women’s Research
We’re also the most educated. But, here we are still raising grown men, kids, killing ourselves in the process, and stroking the ego of Mr. Potential.
I can’t have this conversation without mentioning the systemic oppression that contributes to our disparities as a culture. Unjust laws, unlawful killings of our Black men, and unreasonable prison sentences. But, Black women face the exact same racial issues. But, we still get up and succeed.
Tired and frustrated, we still show our Black men love; no matter what happened on the outside of that door. As women, we are still able to come home and be nurturers. Why the hell can’t the men still treat us right and take care of us, even though there are outside pressures?
What I don’t understand how is the above is your go-to for why you are broke but you use, mistreat, and take advantage of your counterpart-the Black woman? That’s why I don’t have any understanding. So many Black men use this fact as a crutch and to torture us.
Does the white man make you hit us? Does the white man make you gaslight us? Does the white man make you take advantage of us? Does the white man cause you to dismiss our feelings? Does the white man cause you to torture us? Does the white man cause you to sit on your ass, while we do thangs that we don’t want to do, so our family will have food, lights, and gas in the car? I mean, tell me how the white man is the reason for some of y’awl are straight trash and mistreating us, all while thinking you are entitled of the good love and support that we are more than capable, and many times, want to give.
For people to even think that Black men are only loved with many, as perpetuated on FB, makes absolutely no sense. It’s clear that Black women are dating a lot of bums that are not worthy of the couch they’re sleeping on. But, yet, people are on social media spreading an unhealthy rhetoric.
Let me be clear, I’m not knocking any man who is actively progressing his life. But, I also ain’t tryna be with a man who is 30+ and can’t match my current lifestyle and I ain’t gon’ apologize for that.
I have been the woman who dated potential and potential got me physically abused, used, and tossed out like trash. So, no! I don’t even want to give my number to anyone who fits the description of the same ‘potential’ that screwed me over the first time.
Some call it anger and others call it resentment but they’re all wrong. For me, it’s simply boundaries. I know men who are financially stable have their own issues but when you have money, you feel better about yourself. You don’t wake up grouchy and you damn sho’ don’t ask me for anythang.
In conclusion, I understand that a 20-something man is not as established a 40-something man, in most cases. I’m not looking down on people who are still in the struggle. Hell, we are all in a struggle. I’m a freelancer and have had more struggles than a little bit. But, I also didn’t take advantage of anyone who helped me. I didn’t guilt people into doing anything for me. I also didn’t gaslight people and avoid accountability. I definitely didn’t work to get out of the struggle just to date a man who is still in the struggle.
Men really need to understand that women are not mules. We shouldn’t have to spend our entire lives ‘waiting’ on y’awl to get yourselves together. Meanwhile, we’re running circles around the Black man because he won’t stop abusing us and won’t start crafting his life.
To expect us to continue to accept and settle is unhealthy. Why can’t y’awl just get your s-t together so we can give you the love we have? Why must you see an established woman and come into her life to take from her, even when she is willing to give?
It’s because of these thangs and more that I don’t wanna ever date another ‘broke’ man. I’ve tried and for me it doesn’t work. I do better with individuals who are already established and are fulfilled. Loving a man into becoming secure with himself is exhausting and I’m just not interested.
So, Black men, can you worry more about self development, instead of telling women we’re wrong because we want you to be your best self.
Wanting a healthy and happy lifestyle shouldn’t be a problem. If you are not there yet, say that. But, stop gaslighting us because you’re no longer our choice because we now have clear defined boundaries.
In the words of Nikki Giovanni:
I’ve caught the frowns and the anger. He’s happy with you. Of course, he doesn’t know you’re unhappy. You grin at him all day long. You come home and I catch hell. Because I love you I get least of you. I get the very minimum.James Baldwin & Nikki Giovanni, a conversation