It’s been about four months, since I ended my relationship with my ex. The decision wasn’t easy but it was necessary. If I could be honest, sugar turned to shit real quick, once we moved to Cali together. But, we were both hopeful thangs would get better and they did. However; it was only for a matter of time.
No matter the reasons, the relationship failed. I had to come to terms that the man I wanted to marry and have kids with was no longer a match for what I want or need in life.
As I made that painful decision, I was stuck in our cycle. I became depressed for three months. Even though I chose myself, I felt it was a mistake to end it, initially. He was my comfort. He saw sides of me—the vulnerable parts of me that I had kept hidden from everyone else. Somehow this southern man was able to make me comfortable with him, until I wasn’t.
After this break up, I decided I wanted to truly heal. This relationship was extremely traumatic. I didn’t even want to go back to being the woman I was before him. Truth be told, she had been mistreated, unappreciated, and destroyed. There was no way I could undo the sleepless nights, infinite tears, extreme fear, and emotional scars. I simply made a choice to live outside of my traumas. I decided to free myself.
I didn’t do what was the most comfortable and convenient after our breakup. Instead I decided to not date. Ultimately, I just wanted to find my center again and find my strength.
I wanted to create new hobbies and new habits. I wanted to get involved with DIY projects and explore my creativity even more. I made losing weight an intention and made sure I supported it. I wanted a new routine, hair color, body, way of thinking, and etc. I didn’t want him or anyone in my past, for that matter, to be familiar with me anymore.
I became more aware of how I managed disagreements, who I allowed in my circle and space. I even understood my shortcomings—being spiteful, including people in my blessings, not having enough boundaries, and most importantly, not being clear on what I wanted from a partner.
I am learning to forgive myself for the pain I put myself through. I had to accept that even though my intentions were pure the relationship didn’t work out.
I had to forgive myself for jeopardizing a dream I worked towards my entire adult life. I also had to learn to be OK with the fact that my offer of love wasn’t appreciated and there’s simply nothing I could do about it.
As I reflected, I noticed that I didn’t require enough. I did more compromising than a little bit, all because I felt special he chose me to be his woman.
I deprived myself of basic thangs I needed to thrive in a relationship. I never asked for more. I never required more. I accepted what he gave, and when I finally challenged the offer, it became a problem.
After realizing these thangs and more, I was so shocked that I didn’t go hard for myself. As vocal as I am, I couldn’t understand how I lost my voice, when it pertains to voicing my emotional needs.
At one point of time, I accepted that was gon’ be my life. As long as he was there, I was OK. It wasn’t until one night I had an epiphany and decided I couldn’t live like that anymore.
Until I came to terms with all of this, I wasn’t free. I wasn’t able to let go of what was supposed to be, what used to be, and what I wanted it to be. For a while, I denied most of this because I was in shock.
Becoming free allowed me to start a new journey. No more tears of sadness, constant thoughts about ‘what if?’ or feeling like I was inadequate.
I was able to assess my energy and work on my healing. I was also able to stop blaming him for what I allowed to happen. Regardless of what occurred, I had a role in my own demise. I let things happen that I wasn’t happy with. He’ll have to deal with his own lack of accountability and actions towards me.
Freeing myself means I take accountability for my role in my failed relationship, almost losing focus, not standing up for myself, not enforcing my boundaries, and a lot of other thangs.
I’m in a good space; I’m in a new space. The only way I got here is learning to forgive myself (still learning). I am proud of the soul work that I have done, in order to actively heal and create a new version of La’Janeé. I’m wiser, more aware, more assertive, and protective, when it comes to my heart.
As I continue my journey, I will continue to learn to live a healthier life with the help of my therapist. I just want to ensure that I become a better version of myself.
As far as forgiving him, I’m not there yet, y’awl. How can I forgive what I don’t understand? I’m trying but it’s extremely difficult. It really takes time.
I believe that once I *fully* forgive myself for allowing someone I truly love to crush my soul, disrupt my peace, shatter my heart, and attempt to publicly humiliate me—I’ll be able to forgive him.
Until then, it’s intentional healing, one day at a time.