Dec 28, 2018, I wrote my first article about my failed relationship. At that time, were were still together. But, by then, it was understood that it was too toxic to for me breathe, let alone enjoy my life, with my ex. Not even a week later, our cycle had ended. We went our separate ways.
This time last year, I was a ball of anxiety. I was scared, anxious, afraid to even speak at times, and I really thought I was losing my mind. I dealt with someone being hot and cold, every other day. There was never balance. It was always a tug-of-war and I felt like I had to earn something that should’ve been given freely–love.
Ya know? At one point, I heard I wasn’t shit or I was stupid almost on a daily, and I actually started to believe it.
Everyday felt like I was given a series of tests to prove my love, which was exhausting as hell. Looking back, it was some sort of sick and twisted game that beat me down emotionally and mentally.
I spent so much time feeling like I wasn’t good enough, walking on eggshells, developing insecurities, and feeling alone in my last relationship. I woke up daily, hoping for a better outcome. But, instead it was like running my head into a brick wall. Most of all, I felt unappreciated and unloved. All I wanted to do was love him and be loved in return, while building a future together. I guess that was just too much to ask.
My relationship ended in Jan, and I’ve had time to think about the entire situation and gain a new and healthier perspective. When I decided to end my relationship, I actually wanted to try again. I felt I made a big mistake, initially. But, after sometime, I am glad it ended. The pain and abuse was far too much to bare.
While I have been more intentional on living a healthier lifestyle (in all aspects), I am still dealing with emotional trauma. At some point in healing, I hit a plateau. No matter how much self love I cultivated, how many dates I went on, or how much more love I had for myself, I kinda hit a point to where I was still waiting to escape the dreadfulness of the past.
This traumatic experience has taught me that the memories are my plateau and my new life starts just as the sunset appears.
A few weeks ago, I was talking about this with a friend, intuitive copywriter Jarius McNair Edens and she said these words:
The plateau of “what if” becomes the perfect location to watch the sunset.
I know that sounds all fluffy and sh*t, but it’s true.
Take a minute and take your eyes off the plateau and look at the sunset.
That plateau is there. It isn’t going anywhere. It’s the place where the memories should live.
It’s not a valley and it’s not a volcano.
It’s a plateau. It’s the seat you’ve been given to watch the sunset.
We all have them.
Once I heard this, it hit me. There’s nothing to run away from. The memories, what if’s, could’ve been’s are all my plateau. The plans that we made that won’t ever happen, the kids we wanted that we’ll never raise (together), the life we desired but we’ll never live (together) are all a part of my story. There’s nothing I can do that will erase our history. The only thang I can do is use this situation to create a new lifestyle, which is what I’m doing, which is my sunset.
The only way I could fully embrace this not so linear healing process is to accept that I can’t erase him from my past and what happened, happened. But, I have all the power to continue to change my life and embrace it the sunset and new beginning even more.
This perspective allowed me to shift my focus on not just healing but enjoying life. So, when I do something, I’m not doing it to get over him. I’m doing it for myself because it’s all about me. While this shitty situation brought me here, it is not why I continue my journey. I’m alive because I wanna be. I’m enjoying life because I want to, not because I’m so focused on getting over this situation.
I had to be mindful that I can’t force healing. There are some thangs that will take sometime. There are other thangs that I will have to learn to live with. I went through a lot in this situation, and it’s gon’ take more than a few months of therapy and a book to heal through. I’m not even sure if I will heal from every thang. I may just learn to live with them. Either way, I won’t not live my life in abundance because of the scars.
Between PTSD that I have because of this situation and other fears, I hope I become comfortable enough to actually trust someone and love someone again, while being fully committed.
I’m OK with needing time to fully heal in those aspects. I’m not rushing anything. I tried to do that and it ain’t work. Now that I have a better understanding, I am coasting this healing thang and enjoying my progress along the way.
Right now, I’m enjoying life. LA has soooo much to offer me and I am here to receive it with open arms. I’m learning a lot about myself, living outside of my trauma.
I’m not a victim anymore. I’m victorious and shining in all of my glory. I enjoy going to bed and waking up without anxiety or depression because of an unhealthy relationship. I love being able to walk around my apartment and not worry about making someone mad or if I’ll be punished for looking a certain way or saying the wrong thang.
I feel free. I feel happy. I am loving the new me. While I’m watching the sunset and enjoying my peace, I’m so thankful for the opportunities I have both personally and professionally. I’m thankful that I’m not crying anymore or missing him. I’m so grateful that my mind isn’t constantly racing or thinking about what if? I’m just glad that I am moving forward.
As I release this book (Girl. Keep Going.), my goal is to provide encouraging words and applicable tools for other women to sit on the plateau and watch the sunset.
Just at the beginning of the year, I wanted to kill myself because of a broken heart. Now, I am ready to live life and live it more abundantly because of a broken heart. Funny how a shift in perspective can either propel you forward or hinder your growth. I’m just glad that I’m enjoying life.
Plateaus and sunsets…plateaus and sunsets…
P.S. Check out my interview in Voyage ATL. I discuss how I started, as a blogger, and landed in LA. Click here.