Life is a beautiful mess/A beautiful mess
I’m crying/I’m trying/ I feel like I’m dyin/I’m doing my best
Today, I was driving and it dawned on me. Everyday I wake up and go to sleep in a city folks only dream about but most won’t ever visit, let alone live.
My life isn’t even remotely close to how it was last year, around this time. I had just moved from ATL back to Memphis, in order to prepare for this life changing event. I was also in a serious relationship and just waiting, while working, to get here.
Although excited, since moving to LA in September 26, 2018, it seems like I have been in an ever changing environment. I moved here to get settled, only to have to move and get settled again.
For a while, I was in survival mode—trying to keep my mental health together, overcoming depression among other thangs.
After getting on the other side of healing, I am just now coming up for air, actually understanding the magnitude of what’s going on in my life.
I’m still grasping the fact that I live here, as a full-time multi-media professional (freelancer). I worked for this—since April 2012, I’ve prepared for this and I’m actually here. I mean, a woman from Mississippi (Moss Point)—product of THEE Jackson State University, is in LA—working in the digital media & entertainment industry.
As I prepare for a La’Janeé’s Stereotypical Takeover, I reminisce on where I was and how I was able to overcome.
Here is how I was able to navigate my setbacks…
•Regroup before moving forward:
Before I moved, in my mind, I was headed right to a media company to speak with them. Hell, that’s why I moved here. There wasn’t anything more important than putting in leg work immediately. But, I wasn’t able to do that. I had a lot of static that prevented me from moving as I initially planned.
I had a few meetings and attended events. But, certain thangs stopped me from making the progress I wanted. Instead, I had to do more regrouping than anything.
I had to find my center, in order to be as productive. Unfortunately, I didn’t find my center until last month. But, I found it, after a serious bout of depression. But, I was able to find that stability.
•Readjust & Reschedule:
Sometimes life is unreasonable. We have these plans and the Universe doesn’t agree. So, that leaves us having to salvage what we can.
For me, I had sooo many plans for this year. But, I had to readjust because I have to salvage what I can. Luckily, I already have two events and a book in mind for 2020, as a result of me having to shift some thangs.
My focus is to do what I care about the most that required the least amount of effort. Anything else can wait ‘til next year.
Shit happens! Sometimes you can’t walk and chew bubble gum. At times, you gotta sit yo ass down and focus on one area at a time. For me, that was my healing. I didn’t have a center so I wasn’t grounded. I couldn’t produce anything of value in that state of mind. I was literally under a rock for about 120 days. That’s almost half of the year.
So, I learned to just be thankful for being here, even if it doesn’t look like what I thought. Now that I’m alive again w/a new mindset, I can do my thang. So, this summer will be very exciting for me!
I had to forgive myself for so many thangs. The fact I was in a position to almost lose a dream that I worked towards pretty much my whole life was hard for me to accept.
This mishap caused a domino effect on my life. I found myself cleaning up broken pieces that I wasn’t solely responsible for breaking. While I was doig it for love, I still took a risk that turned out to be far greater than the reward.
I couldn’t believe that I was that naive or I really believed in something that was ultimately unstable. But, I did. At the time, you couldn’t tell me that it wasn’t worth it and that it would end the way it did. But, it happened. So, I had to forgive myself for not looking out for what I worked for. That was the hardest thang.
No matter what happened, I played a part in my demise. I didn’t stop it, which made me a willing accomplice. For me, that was and still is the hardest thang to overcome. But, I did and in may ways, I still am. Until I forgave myself, I couldn’t truly move forward.
As you navigate life, never feel about doing only what you can. Sometimes being tenacious means not losing, even if you don’t see any gains. Or, it could just simply mean not losing everything. Maintaining is a victory within itself.
It’s OK to focus on finding a center because while it’s good to work simultaneously, if you don’t have a center, you won’t work at all. Be easy on yourself. You are truly where you’re supposed to be. ❤️
I’m just glad I’m *still* here AND finally able to do what I came to do.
*Life is a Beautiful Mess* Londrelle