Welp, last time I got this transparent is when I posted about choosing myself and how it sucks. At that time, I was moderately depressed and crying daily. My mind raced constantly, non-stop.
Depression had me stuck for three whole months. I barely worked, went out, or even did anything. The one thang I made sure to do was write. If there’s one thang I can do, no matter how I feel, that is journal. I can always journal.
At this point, I have gained clarity—so much clarity. I have went through so many emotions—sadness, hurt, pain, neglect, abandonment, and betrayal. While I’m still unpacking and unlearning, I am more clear on how I feel and why I feel the way I do.
This journey to healing has been taxing. If I could be honest, at first, I felt like choosing to be single was a mistake. Having to end my relationship and become this self aware—the most awareness I’ve ever had—version of myself was highly uncomfortable.
Everything I would normally do, when shit was wrong between us, I could no longer do. I was too aware and dedicated to my healing that I really had to walk away—completely away. I couldn’t go and fix the rift between us, per usual. I couldn’t swallow my pride and be the bigger person, this time.
I couldn’t call or send a message explaining anything. I couldn’t stalk his page, send him a DM, or a message through someone else. I’m not sure if any of that would’ve made a difference but I didn’t even try, which is really unlike me. For the first time, I put my healing before my desires and I was pained.
This allowed me—well forced me—to actually heal. There was no going back to him or going to another ex for comfort. I couldn’t meet someone new and find me a rebound; I couldn’t do any of that. I had to deal with what got me here in the first place: fear. The fear of being alone, abandonment, and not being loved.
This fear allowed me to disregard my own boundaries and just accept whatever I was given—just because I was fearful of not getting anything at all.
Focusing on my healing allowed me to modify my non-negotiables and my core characteristics that I desire for my partner to have.
I did a lot of minimizing and depriving myself of what I truly desired, in order to be in a relationship. Looking back, I realized I never asked for more. I tried to give enough for both of us, instead of asking him for more.
Rather than go through the trouble of asking him for what I needed, I didn’t ask because I felt he wouldn’t be receptive. I felt making him comfortable was my only priority. I ‘understood’ that this was new for him and didn’t want to come off being too demanding. So, I suffered in silence, while I gave of myself, until I had nothing to give.
This is not to say he didn’t give to me because he did. However; it was severely imbalanced. I always gave more—more willingly & frequently. What he gave me simply wasn’t enough—no matter how I psyched myself up to make it out to be. Giving of one’s self without reciprocation will send you in a drought. Ask me how I know?
This journey of healing allowed me to gain clarity about my past relationship and myself. I had to recognize my lack of self worth. I had to accept accountability for thangs that had nothing to do with my ex.
Why was I OK with earning love, when it should be given freely? Why didn’t I enforce my non-negotiables and boundaries? Why did I lose total control & just march to the beat of his drum? How did I not recognize my worth? How did I make it OK to be disappointed? How did I make it OK for thangs to be inconsistent? How did I make it OK to not require what I needed? Where was my middle ground? Where was my logic? Why wasn’t I able to walk away sooner? Why was I so damn scared to leave? Why did I allow a number of unmentionable thangs to occur?
No matter what—he benefitted me. This man served a purpose in my life. At that time, I just wanted to be loved in public, included in his life, and spend time together. He gave me those three basic thangs. But, only those three thangs, which weren’t enough. I just pretended they were.
After realizing that I had confidence, but I had a low value of self love. So low that I accepted anything and let fear drive all of my decisions, which produced chaos.
I never advocated for myself, which is odd. I always stand in my power. That’s how I’m in LA now. So, when I came to this realization, I was embarrassed. I just accepted anything, and I didn’t love myself enough—enough to release him.
So, for the past four months I had to accept ugly truths about myself—lack of self worth, self love, boundaries, and advocacy. I’ve been working on these areas and more. I want to have a healthier relationship with myself, before I think about having anything with anyone else.
As a result of sitting on my hands and committed to healing, I have a new level of self love & awareness. I’m now clear on my non-negotiables, know what love actually looks like for me, and I have learned how to say ‘no.’ If it requires me to do too much compromising of myself, I don’t even sit at the table. I keep it moving.
It was hard to get through depression and sadness. Some days I may have a moment but it doesn’t last all day anymore. My moments truly last for a few minutes and I let it go. I reflect but not as much as I used to. No more racing thoughts or anxiety.
I’m not actively dating. I don’t have the capacity for anyone right now. I’m truly committed to myself. I do have suitors but they are really good friends for the moment, and they respect my boundaries that I enforce.
I’m enjoying my peace of mind and security. I don’t have to worry about anyone being hot & cold; trying to ‘understand’ thangs that shouldn’t be an issue at our age; or deprive myself of thangs I want because I’m waiting on someone to ‘grow’ into them.
If it’s one thang I know, it’s that people won’t give what you don’t require. No matter how in love the two of you are, people have to be willing to love you the way you need to be loved (all thangs within reason). Sometimes it’s possible, and, unfortunately, like my situation, it’s not.
I have more work to do. I’m learning to become more logical than emotional. Becoming more logical has made me a bit more numb than I’d like to be.
Typically I filter my thoughts through my emotions. But, now, I find myself filtering my emotions through my thoughts and it’s so weird for me. While it is a good thang because I’m finally finding a healthy middle ground, I must find a balance.
I’m glad I have accepted that I wasn’t kind to myself. While a tough pill to swallow, I had to acknowledge it, in order to grow. I still have work to do. Therapy is one of my favorite thangs to take part in these days, and I’ll be going for another six months. It helps me to continue to get clear.
I’m not the woman I was before this relationship. There’s no way I can be. She was destroyed, and it costs too much to be her again. So, I’m enjoying creating a newer and more self aware version of myself.
I remember when I was lonely and choosing myself felt terrible. But, as I sit on my patio and enjoy my Stella Rose, as the wind hits my cheek, and the Cali sun shining bright, I am happy to say that I am happy! The feeling of loneliness is gone. If I do want company, I have people I can actually spend time with—no pressure. I still may be hurting and healing. But, at least, I’m happy again and I have clarity. I’m truly happy.
If you’re looking for me, you can find me doing soul work.
*Plays Life is a Beautiful Mess