*If you love me, set me free (in my Leela James voice)*
I said I was gonna keep my business to myself this year. I’ve been living my life out loud, since 2012, and I just needed some privacy. I’m changing and just wanna nurture my growth without providing updates. My healing was out loud. I want my growth to be more in private.
I gave y’all stories of my life. Often times, I over shared. Then, I learned the importance of being transparent but not over sharing, while realizing I’ll never actually give these innanet streets my vulnerability.
So, after my last relationship put me in depression for 6 months but also inspired my 4th book & #1 Amazon Best Seller, I decided I didn’t wanna share anything really.
I would share a few deets bout my life as a serial dater but that stopped. I simply wasn’t feeling it anymore.
The more I evolve, the harder it is for me to share. I’m still tryna navigate that. Honestly, it’s really simple. I don’t share much, at this time, cuz I’m not led to. Also, I only write like that, when I’m hella depressed. I ain’t been depressed in almost a year.
But I feel the need to provide this small follow-up to #GirlKeepGoing. Because I’m in a better place, I wanna make sure I respect his privacy as well.
Me and my ex have actually spoken. Apologies were given from both sides and we stablished two thangs: The love was real & still there. But we’ll never be together again, though. The shit hurt too deep to even try.
For me, it’s like graduating from an HBCU and loving the hell out of it. But you’ll never wanna do undergrad again, at least not the part with responsibility.
I want to say, while I didn’t ‘need’ anythang from him to heal. As we all know, I have since moved on. I realized that our conversation did me a lot of good.
I noticed when I entered the dating world, it was hard for me to really lean in & truly give someone else a chance. I was constantly struggling and that’s to be expected. But I needed a bit more freedom. So I called my ex cuz I needed to talk to him. I needed answers. I needed to cement my healing.
The whole idea of me calling him was lingering in my head for a couple of weeks. I stumbled across some vids and pics of us & that’s what ultimately led me here. When I watched the vids and looked at the pics, I smiled. That’s when I knew I was ready for the conversation.
Now, he’s not my friend. I honestly wouldn’t know how to adjust to that role. Also, it would be too much for me. So, in the words of Emeli Sande, “I’d rather not get my heart blown to pieces again.” We haven’t spoken since then. I’m almost sure that it’ll remain that way.
But to hear him apologize and say a few other thangs let me know that as painful as it was, as unhealthy it became, we really did love each other and we probably always will.
“If we only knew then what we know now,” he said. I replied, “Yep! If we only knew.” We both agreed that we didn’t have the necessary tools, as a couple, to make it. Our relationship was still new and we decided to make this life changing decision, while moving to the other part of the country, really had a huge impact on us.
For me, to be able to talk to him, express my intimate thoughts, AND leave it there is a huge accomplishment.
I was able to laugh. For a minute, it felt like it did when we first started dating, nothing else mattered during that time. And to hear his laugh, instead of tension, was such a relief. Just like old times, we had opposing views about some thangs, but I’m glad we agreed more than we disagreed–at least about what we discussed.
If you personally know me beyond my book, you know I put all my eggs in one basket and was set on marrying this man. So, the fact that I was able to finally understand that I can love someone and not want to be with them is a big accomplishment.
While I have memories of nostalgia, I now feel better easing down the yellow brick road. Our situation won’t be lingering in the shadows.
I’m glad we’re not enemies, and I no longer hate him. To be able to say this was a chapter of my life that didn’t end so well, and be OK with it is all I ever wanted. I have that.
I promised myself that I would keep this simple and not go into too much detail. I have always cherished our union, even in the midst of our dysfunction.
In my closing, as you get your healing, don’t wait on anyone to give it to you. I’m a firm believer that Spirit will give you what you need, and I needed this. I honestly never thought I would speak to him again. I’m glad I did.
I hope he also found solace and healing in our conversation. While talking, I caught a glimpse of his growth and it was refreshing. A year ago, I doubt I would’ve gotten an apology or even been received to give one.
But to be able to apologize to him, too, was a relief for me. No matter what happened, we were both hurt. I’m able to recognize that. For a while, I didn’t think he needed an apology. But I finally realized his feelings were also valid, no matter how I may have felt back then, or even if I didn’t fully agree.
I needed to release the residue of the hurt. After depression, therapy, a book, meds, cutting of the cord, intentional healing, and becoming a serial dater, it finally happened, when we spoke.
Healing happens in stages and it damn sure ain’t linear. He’ll always be apart of my story. I had never given so much in a union. In many ways, this was my first deep relationship. I never felt a love so light & heavy, at the same time. I’m just glad this chapter is officially sealed.
I wanna love freely. That’s what I want now. I wanna love again. I’m ready. ?